A Tale Of Two Outlooks
Compare and contrast the following two attitudes:
Me, my situation, my needs, my rights.
Me, my responsibilities, my contribution, my reward.
Anyone who adopts the first mindset will never in fact attain that which they desire because they will never gain control of their lives.
They are wrapping themselves up in a false sense of entitlement which ironically serves only to increase dependency on whatever scraps happen to come their way.
If you believe that you are somehow owed anything, or that someone else is to blame (or should at the very least “do something”) whenever things don’t work out as you hoped then you are surrendering yourself totally to the whim of events.
Because the facts are that a) you are owed nothing and b) no-one cares one jot about you.
Nobody cares about you
Yes, read that again, because it is important to understand that just as you view other people’s lives as little more than a backdrop to your own, everyone else does exactly the same to you.
Turn on the news: traffic accident, two killed, uh huh not very interesting; earthquake, four hundred and twenty three buried presumed dead, hmm… wonder what’s on the other channel.
This doesn’t imply you are in any way insensitive or uncaring. It means you are human. We all behave like that and in fact regard those who don’t with justified suspicion. After all, why get upset over someone you never met, let all alone knew or even liked?
Anyway, back to the point, which is that whatever drama may intrude in your life, it’s yours and yours alone. No-one else is going to feel sorry for you or feel much like helping you.
The exception being that they happen to be especially close (either emotionally or in proximity) in which case there’s a fair chance that whatever affects you also impacts them and thus their own self-interest is also involved.
Look out for number one
The obvious corollary then is that the only person you can reasonably expect to fight your corner is you.
It is not anyone elses duty to keep an eye out for you; that’s your responsibility.
The expression “looking out for number one” is commonly associated with being selfish, but in this sense being selfish is the only truly ethical way to conduct yourself (it is well documented in anthropology that many acts of apparent generosity are at root far from selfless anyway).
If you don’t much care for the situation you find yourself in, understand that it is down to you to change things. They won’t change by themselves and nobody else will change them to favor you. Why would they?
Of course, you can choose not to accept that responsibility for one reason or another. You may prefer to simply drift along with whatever comes your way. Many do for the completely understandable reason that it’s clearly the easiest option; the path of least resistance.
However, delegating responsibility to chance is one thing. Charting your course through life according to a belief that you are somehow entitled to whatever takes your fancy is an entirely different and highly toxic kettle of fish.
And like much else of a fishy nature this odious Entitlement Epidemic is prevalent in many modern self-help nostrums; devoid of the distinction between actively looking out for your own interests and expecting all manner of whimsical objects of desire to simply manifest themselves almost as a right.
You have no rights
Speaking of rights, contrary to what most folk believe, there are no such things as “rights”.
The things we refer to as rights such as those enshrined by a Constitution or International Treaty are no more than agreed standards of decency that we observe by convention.
The rights that a citizen of the USA might consider they enjoy simply do not exist in other parts of the world. Even in the USA your “right” to life doesn’t amount to a hill of beans if some bastard gets it into their head to blow yours off.
You don’t actually have a right to be happy or make as much money as you would prefer or conquer Everest or to be loved or live a long and peaceful life or anything else. Seriously. You don’t.
These things might certainly be there for the taking but they are not yours by right. These are things you have to earn.
You cannot demand happiness or insist on wealth or sue for love. You can try, but you may as well bake bread using sawdust in place of flour. If you even get a result it will be a total sham.
Now I know that this is completely contrary to what many in the Personal Development business preach – that you do have a right to such things and that all you need do therefore is assert what is already rightfully yours.
What can I say? People swallow bogus assertions because they press the right buttons; say the things people want to hear.
But just ‘cos you want it to be, don’t make it so.
So… How Many Beans Do Make Five?
If you focus predominately on yourself and your wishes, you will ultimately undermine all attempts to mould the world to match your desires.
Let’s say you desire a beautiful garden where you might sip chilled wine under dappled shade as the warm scent of roses and lavender drifts across a manicured lawn. Guess where you need to put your focus?
Not on yourself and your lovely dream, but on some serious hard graft to either build the garden yourself or to earn enough to pay someone else to get all sweaty digging and planting for you. Creating a beautiful garden is 90% backache, blisters and broken nails and 10% admiring the end result. But as one who really, really likes to sip a nice Montana Sauvignon Blanc under dappled shade I have to say I consider it worth the effort many times over.
And there we get to a simple truth. The payback from anything, any endeavor or relationship, is invariably in direct proportion to what you put into it. The more you give the more you get back.
If you focus on contribution you can forget about “needs” and “rights”. Such things become mere chimeras and cheap baubles when you can reap sweet rewards and know that you honestly earned and deserved them.
Shakers & Movers vs. Takers & Losers
Being a taker is a loser’s game. It is a cancer on the generosity of others and sooner or later the well of goodwill will dry up.
As the saying goes, if you want the fruit you’ve got to shake the tree. If you expect gravity to do the job for you then a meager harvest of dried up remnants already half eaten by the birds awaits you.
The trouble with expecting handouts is not just the expectation side of things. It is that handouts are, well, handouts – some usually small fraction of someone elses largesse. It’s an intrinsically limited strategy compared to creating your own value and worth.
Accept responsibility for yourself and the way you interact with the rest of the world. Focus on what you put in, not just what you want out.
And oh don’t forget… enjoy your reward.
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