Personal Development’s Gruesome Twosome
It is commonly accepted wisdom that Personal Development (or personal growth or self-help or any of the many alternative terms) is about becoming a “better” person. More successful, happier, fulfilled. How could there possibly be a problem with that?
What is less well trumpeted from the bookstalls, TV shows and myriad websites is that most forms of modern personal development are not only incapable of delivering on their promises, but are in fact likely to inflict significant personal harm. It is a multi-million pound industry that leaves a trail of failure, misery and gnawing dissatisfaction in its wake.
So how does mainstream personal development work anyway? To begin, there are two distinct strands: one revolves around the premise of victimization and recovery; the other is based on the idea of empowerment, being the best you can be.
But both are firmly rooted in a belief that it really is all about you. This explains a) its easy appeal through flattery and familiarity and b) why you see the word “self” so much in this field – self-help, self-awareness, self-esteem, self-fulfillment. It truly is self-obsessed to the point of being frankly selfish.
And so before we’ve barely begun, already we’ve encountered a serious hazard. People whose focus is themselves inevitably turn inwards, paying scant attention to others and the environment around them except in so far as it affects their own hermetic little world.
This is downright unhealthy for all manner of obvious reasons, not the least of which is that a society of self-absorbed individuals is not much of a society. We are genetically sociable and must make our way through a not always benign world. Flying solo with a blindfold is just testing the envelope of idiocy.
The World is on Your Case
The victimization school of thought teaches that nothing is your fault. It’s your parents, your school, your partner, whoever, who are responsible for your condition. If your marriage is merely perfectly ok rather than the perfect bed of roses you somehow feel entitled to then it’s down to your crappy spouse. Didn’t get that job? That’s because you’re a man (or a woman) and not because you’re stupid, unpleasant or plain unsuitable.
Poor me, not my fault, “they’re” to blame. You can see where this one is heading. If nothing is ever your fault you don’t need to feel guilty, or responsible for anything you might do as a consequence. Whoops, there goes all hope for a conscience and with it any form of moral compass.
Another characteristic of victim philosophy is its fondness for the group-hug, whereby like-minded “victims” of whatever oppression or affliction they identify with get together to share their experiences and reinforce their victim status. It is frequently found in self-help organizations such as AA and variants that “treat victims” of all manner of compulsions – gambling, eating, sex, drugs and so on.
Opinions vary, some people clearly do find alcoholics anonymous effective while others have difficulty stomaching the heavy religious sub-text. But as a general observation, self-help group such as AA and the like take the whole inner-demons-over-which-you-are powerless thing to a new level; you have a “disease” no less, one that has no cure; the best you can hope for is to try and live with it.
Isn’t it reassuring to know that your cocaine abuse isn’t down to weakness on your part but is instead an actual disease? (Trust me – I can match your snort of coke with my snort of derision any day.)
The World is at Your Feet
The empowerment brigade on the other hand proclaim precisely the opposite; that you are not helpless and trapped by circumstance, but that you can do anything you set your mind to. Anything and everything is possible, if you just believe.
Now, the idea that “anything the mind can conceive of it can achieve” is provably garbage. But it sells well. Really, really, really well. And that’s because it’s an idea that people want to believe, because if it were possible… well imagine the possibilities!
The problem is, it’s not possible. Some things simply are not within your grasp. If you were born male you will never conceive; if you’re a woman, much as you may yearn to, you cannot start each day by scratching your balls. If you have a dodgy heart don’t even dream of booking one of those “climb Mt. Everest adventure holidays”.
At this point the empowerment gurus leap in and agree that of course you can’t achieve something that is physically impossible (for you at any rate). But you still can be the best you are capable of and achieve your dreams. At first glance that looks to clinch things; it’s a laudable aim after all and the idea sounds plausible enough. And in fact I’m not going to argue against that. I wholeheartedly concur with striving to do and be the best you can and reap the rewards of your efforts.
The World is Never Enough
What I take issue with is that this is invariably NOT what is being sold. The standard Personal Development Through Empowerment pitch paints a picture of spectacular wealth, exquisite surroundings, beautiful people enjoying balanced, successful lives and all attained through the power of positive vibes and buying whatever it is the author or speaker has to sell. It is disingenuous on several counts.
1. It assumes that the “standard model” of success is universal. Red Ferrari on the drive – tick; good looking spouse – tick; membership of prestigious country club – tick; private plane – tick; and so the list goes on. But what if Barbie / Ken look-alikes leave you cold, you can’t stand golf, are terrified of flying and would prefer something you can actually put your shopping in? The whole point about personal success, along with everything else preceded by the word “personal”, is that it is exactly that: personal. There are no standard benchmarks for success, or failure.
2. The “goal” is the be all and end all. So you’ve got your expensive automobile, your gorgeous partner, and a whole retinue of servants tending to your needs, so now what? A deafening silence and mystified looks from every personal development guru in the land. What can you possibly mean, so now what? There is no more, that’s it; you’re “successful” now, mission accomplished.
It’s more depressing than a shithouse painted seven shades of shit. What happened to the journey along the way? The discovery, as you travel along, of interesting looking detours to explore? Just occasionally thinking, sod both destination and journey, lets stop where awhile and take in this moment, enjoy what is here and now before it becomes, yet again, yesterday once more.
How can you possibly take pleasure in what you have already achieved or even the simplest pleasures – a fresh cold beer, walking barefoot on the morning dew, a tender kiss – when you are constantly grinding your teeth over what has yet to be created?
3. Just because this dream you are being seduced with is attainable by some people, it does not follow that anyone can do this. I have gotten to know many immensely wealthy individuals over the years and, without exception, they first and foremost worked their butts off, secondly focused on their work to the exclusion of almost everything else in life, and by and large behaved pretty unpleasantly rather a lot of the time.
If you’re up for all that, carry on, you may well “succeed”. But many if not most people instinctively understand when they are not cut out for something. You might for example imagine yourself literally flying freely through the air like a skydiver and feed this dream with endless books filled with fabulous pictures. But the only way you are ever going to discover whether or not this can become your reality is by going up and finding out for yourself if you can, when it comes to it, part company with a perfectly airworthy plane. Same with making money and pretty much everything else – you actually have to DO it.
How Much is that Doggy in The Window?
So you have to admit, neither head of this latter day Orthrus is the sort to attract an admiring glance.
Victimization is an intrinsically disabling and limiting attitude that has bred generations of weak, ineffectual people who in turn have infected society with their tedious blame culture which itself spawned the insanity that is “health and safety” legislation.
For the record, “health and safety” laws have little to do with either health or safety but evolved to combat the rising tide of expensive litigation seeping from this army of “victims”, all too helpless to cope with the blindingly obvious (hot drinks can scald, toes are no match for a lawnmower).
Empowerment has at its core a premise that is simply untrue and goads people into actions that are both inconsiderate and unrealistic.
It’s a dog of a choice and whichever you might care to consider I would have to say: “Don’t fancy yours much!”
The One that Snarls and Bites the Hands that Feed It
Because in the end both approaches arrogantly assume that if you get with the program you will get the promised results. The self evident fact that self-help or personal development itself doesn’t actually work cannot be admitted, leaving only one possible explanation. If you fail to reach the Promised Land it’s because YOU FAILED.
Depressingly, for the simple reason that personal development really doesn’t deliver anything useful at all, there is an overwhelming likelihood that you and 99% + of everyone else who tries this stuff will “fail”. And the inevitable conclusion will be that the failure is on your part. Your desire wasn’t strong enough, you didn’t try hard enough, you’re stupid and incapable.
Nice one. Embark on a voyage of personal development and find yourself adrift in an ocean of failure, somewhere at the bottom of which lies the drowned remains of what was once your self-esteem.
And the cherry on top? It’s a gigantic feedback loop. Now that you’re a failure (remember, you were going to learn how to get rich, become attractive and successful, but you’re so obviously still not – what else would you call it?) you’re going to need a whole lot more self-help and personal development.
But this time with perhaps less lofty ambitions – “How to handle poor self-image”, “Dealing with depression”, “10 Steps to clear your debts”, that sort of thing.
Oh dear. Poor you.
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